How Not to Online Date

Happy Friday! In need of some dating humor to start off your weekend?

Well… I did it. I put my toes in the water and created a profile on one of those online dating websites… even though I said I wouldn’t…. I’m such a constant contradiction.

 I mean, who doesn’t know a success story from it these days?

However I find it is worse than meeting people in bars i.e “real life”. Word from the wise, HOW NOT TO ONLINE DATE:

A woman does not (or should not) respond to the following emails:

“Hi, just wanted to let you know, I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for the imaginary memories. Love, your ex-hubby. PS you can keep the dog and I’ll keep the house in Hawaii.”

BLOCKED!

Nor should one send the below:

“Congratulations. This awesome funny gentleman has been found for you. You can stop your search now. (phone number) You will be glad to go on a date with him, no regrets guaranteed.”

YIKES.

And with that friends, Cheers to the Weekend!

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You Know When…

There exists this interesting complex here in the Midwest, and who knows, maybe it is the same across the country….

If you cannot recognize the sarcasm dripping from these words, I suggest you end here.

When you enter the “late twenties” and are single in the Midwest… the crazies and the craziness comes out. Often times I equate this to an animal feeding frenzy, or maybe a meat market… or even a complete conundrum to some.. Wait, you are how old and single? Come again…

Really you should ask, you are how young?

I feel like a cautious observer, not sure whether to laugh at the ridiculous or pull my hair out and move to Manhattan.  Or perhaps back to Florence…

When you are the last attending the bachelorette party who can even entertain a naughty thought….

When you find yourself in the land of the high school sweetheart, or the land of “I’ve been to more weddings this summer than most people attend in their lifetime..” When you really cannot handle any more mason jar centerpieces… but your grandma and I are having a blast on the dance floor, she is up on a chair, waving her napkin in the air to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and attempting the pelvis thrust …. true story.

Jameson Ginger Ale, stat.

When the groom has unbeknownst to you, scoped out your wedding party options; and the remaining bachelor is ladling the pudding dessert directly into his mouth via the serving spoon..

Hmmmm I’ll pass…

Passing on the dessert too…

When a random mom at the wedding discovers your status, she is delighted, “Omg there is a single doctor over there, go talk to him.”

When you subconsciously start to check other their left hand first…

When a man at the bar approaches seven women and asks those that are single to raise a hand..

When touring one bedroom condos and the broker asks, “Is it just you?’

When the level of blind dates reaches unbelievable and friends half way across the country are trying to set you up… but you never know right?

When balancing a schedule of two dates a week is shocking.. I mean come on, you gotta keep up with the frenzy.

When you’d rather have a coffee date than dinner, because really, I got into the office at 7, I’m going to need caffeine to get through this…

Then you know. You are at that age in the Midwest. The age of the crazies.

I’ll just be over here laughing 🙂

O and balancing that frenzied dating schedule…..

Cheers to grandma and her naughty napkin waving!

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Cause Everybody Does It?

The online dating game still makes me uncomfortable.  I know I know, everybody is doing it.  The “stigma” is gone right?

Well  so I tried it once. Many months ago.

Pretty sure he was convinced we were getting married prior to the actual first date. Check please!

And then I was convinced to scroll through another popular site. Yesterday. Just to see… Test the waters… you never know right? (They say)

And lo and behold….. I’ve already gone on dates with not one, but three of the “active” profiles. Not sure if that says something about me, or about “them”. Great.

Please tell me this is normal???

That officially has me scared off from the online dating world…. at least for a couple months anyway 🙂

At least that little scroll through gave me some blogging material?

I’m off to pour myself some wine and celebrate this weekend Beyoncé style..

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Tales from the Dating Crypt: Pick Up Lines

Prepare for some lighthearted humor on this lovely Friday:

Happy weekend and happy reading!

I will never understand the pick up line.  Where did it originate from? Who decided it was a good idea? And most importantly, who do they actually work on? I mean I guess if they are harmless, funny and actually conversation provoking?  But when was the last time you heard one of those?

I actually googled pick up lines.  And I found: “Learn these lines and you will become a master pick up artist.” Now people are becoming pick up artists?? I may never venture out again… lock myself in the apartment with Olive, wine and the flowers I buy myself on Sundays…

Can I get a survey or show of hands from people pick up lines actually work for? I mean really.

Unfortunately the basics of meeting people out on the town have been corroded.  Worn away by reality tv and who knows what else…. Maybe by too much hair gel and sparkly T-shirts….  And newly minted “Pick up Artists” (Just saying)

Perhaps due to these “Artists” or “Artists in training”, I get the craziest lines ever.  Have any of these ever been said to you?

Hey, you’re a spicy meatball!

Wanna be in my music video, so I can work your booty out?

Gurl……… you’ve got swagger.

Hi are you Italian, I only like Italians?

Your ass is like nectar from the gods…

Yup. The above have been said.  There have been worse.

And there you have it, Tales from the Dating Crypt Pick Up Lines style..

Top Ten List: Tales from the Dating Crypt

I’ve somehow amassed quite a few first dates in my time …….

Whether its me or them, is up to you.

But it has been suggested that my unfortunate dablings in the dating world are comedic and meant to be shared.  So why not share these tales from the dating crypt, in top ten format? (I mean dating normally involves food or drinks, so it kinda fits with the blog theme right?)

The first shall be the top ten things not to say on a first date.  Most of you would never believe me, but please let me assure you, they happened.  Its like there is a sign on my forehead, that says please, talk stupid to me.

Top Ten Things Not to Say on a First Date:

1) Yeah, I saw the same movie, but I don’t remember that part, I was blackout drunk at the theatre.. …. (maybe this works on college girls who may or may not be in a current drunken/blackout state?)

2) Did you get your booty from your momma…… (weird; and its actually from dad’s side of the family)

3) Yeah I moved here for my ex-wife, i’m actually in the middle of a divorce….( RUN )

4) Yeah so i’ve been engaged before….. ( Desperate to get married much?)

5 ) If it happens to be a blind date, shake my hand in introduction; please do not rub your hands together and give the “up and down look”, while making some sound close to a moan…  (RUN!!!!FAST)

6) Where is the pisser?  (have no clue what you are referring to….Even if I get the reference, I’m not going to dignify it with a response)

7) So I know you’re in law school, but I’m looking for a stay at home wife? (mentioning this on date one is going to get you a gold digger; I reccomend a pre-nup)

8) A first date at Disney World, sharing a hotel room, is not going to fly.  Why would you even bother asking?  (I will never online date again.)

9) If your ex-wife and I have the same first name, and extremly similar maiden names, probs don’t tell me that…  (Looking for a clone in wife #2?)

10) I have a diverse investment portfolio, like even in a marijuana farm in Colorado.  (Check please!)

What is the worst thing you’ve heard on a first date?